Tuesday, January 27th, 1998 | Author: David Morris

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
-Mariah Carey

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
-Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

“I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.”
-David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

“Smoking kills, and if you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”
-Anti-smoking spokesperson Brooke Shields

“The police are not here to create disorder, they’re here to preserve disorder”
-Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention

“If you’ve seen one Redwood tree, you’ve seen them all”
-Forestry expert Ronald Reagan

“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas”
-Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

“The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it’s only the people that make them unsafe”
-Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo

“The internet is a great way to get on the net”
-Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

“It is bad luck to be superstitious”
-Andrew Mathis

“He was a man of great statue”
-Boston mayor Thomas Menino on former mayor John Collins

“It’s like an alcatraz around my neck”
-Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces

“They’re multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.”
-Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

“The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.”
-Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

“We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.”
-Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.”
-Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

“When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.”
-Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

“It’s like deja vu all over again.”
-Yogi Berra

“China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese”
-Former French President Charles De Gaulle

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it.”
-A congressional candidate in Texas

“It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody.”
-Richard M. Nixon

“The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet.”
-Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.

“When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.”
-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots

“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.”
-Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

“A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money.”
-Everett Dirksen

“A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”
-Samuel Goldwyn

“I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.”
-John Wayne

“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”
-Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

“Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.”
-General William Westmoreland

“If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet.”
-Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.”
-Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”
-Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

“Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued. Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976.”
-Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid

“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history, this century’s
history. We all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.”
-Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust

“Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself. ”
-Chicago Rotary Club journal, “Gyrator”

“The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It’s only the people who make them unsafe.”
-Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

“I’ve always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted.”
-Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries

“After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.”
-Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island

“The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.”
-Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it.”
-Al Gore, Vice President

“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
-Dan Quayle

“It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or
-George Bush, US President

“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”
-Lee Iacocca

“I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version,”
-Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony

“The word ‘genius’ isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein,”
-Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”
-Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”
-Bill Clinton, President

“We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”
-Al Gore, VP

“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.”
-Keppel Enderbery

“The loss of life will be irreplaceable.”
-Dan Quayle

“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is that I didn’t study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.”
-Dan Quayle, VP

“It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago!”
-Dan Quayle, VP

“Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are
different, but it’s got a particularly unique situation.”
-Dan Quayle, VP

“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”
-Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

“We apologize for the error in last week’s paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce.”
-Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper

“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”
-Mark S.Fowler, FCC Chairman

Category: Quotes