Married Life
Saturday, October 02nd, 2004 | Author: David Morris

Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don’t?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.
Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

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For a lot of people, marriage is a three-ring circus:
1) Engagement ring
2) Wedding ring
3) Suffering

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Marriage is grand and divorce is about 10 grand.

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Before we got married, I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.

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At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes I am. I married the wrong man.”

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Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” And the husband replied, “Yes, dear. But I was in love and didn’t notice it.”

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When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.

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BARTENDER: I think you’ve had enough sir.
DRUNK: I just lost my wife, buddy.
BARTENDER: Well, it must be hard losing a wife.
DRUNK: It was almost impossible!

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This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say to his wife, “Pass the sugar, Honey” and “Pass the honey, Sugar.” He thinks this sort of speech is a good idea. So, the morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast he says to his wife, “Pass the bacon, Pig.”

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A man rushed home from work and exclaimed to his wife, “Pack your bags, I’ve won the lottery.” The wife excitedly asks, “Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?” He says, “Pack’em all, your leaving.”

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A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for awhile but then smiled and said, “It really works.”

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Some mornings I wake up grouchy and some mornings I just let her sleep.

Category: Men vs. Women